Very nice - Alex now has the beginnings of a plan in the works.
I liked how you still added detail to the TF scene, but kept it quick and clean. That was a nice touch.

I loved how you said his padding and claws 'allowed purchase' on the ice - that was a wonderful line! The next sentence is a little confusing; you may want to re-read it. Oh - and are you sure you want to describe Alex's wolf form as smaller and sleeker? In other places, you've described his wolf form as pretty large, so there may be a bit of a conflict there.

Waitaminute - how would you know what a whiskey burn feels like...? I kid, I kid. I realize you're using a generic reference, like if you said Alex felt like he's been hit by a truck. I'm sure you don't have a personal frame of reference for that either; nor do I. However, your readers would still know what it means. As a result, I think both the whiskey reference and the worms under the skin are great similes to use.

  Even so, it's going to be interesting to see what he finds in the library, or if Jason meets up with him soon. I'm really rooting for Alex. I'm hoping to see how he saves Steven and the others.

  Keep it coming, Punx!

Very nice! I have to admit that your portrayal of city libraries is probably a lot closer to the truth than mine... lol

I really like how you've given Alex an action he can take. Even though his search wasn't successful, it provided a good lead-in for changing the action and meeting... whoever it's going to be. It allows you to take the time in defining his desperation when he's wandering the streets and trying to sleep earlier. It's hard to explain, but it evens out the pace of the story - if that makes sense.

OOOh.. I simply can't wait to see who he meets up with! I'd like to venture a guess, but you keep surprising me, so I'll fervently await the next segment and see if my suspicions are correct.

Bring on some more when you can, Punx!

Oh crap...

  I can only imagine how Alex is going to react to this. Will he try to play along, or just take Jason out now? It was really wonderful how Alex listened to his instincts. He realized that his involuntary reactions were telling him something wasn't right. And yet he is still in control, listening quietly. Will he still be able to keep control of himself?

  Very very nice, Punx!

This was a very gripping scene! (no pun intended. Really.)

  I liked how you gave Jason the experience and gave Alex the lack of experience. It goes along with their ages. the way Alex tried to take the knife from Jason also attests to his lack of experience, but it doesn't mean the fight is over, or that Alex lost. I appreciated the explosion of light, explaining Alex's disorientation. It was also very interesting how you had Jason swinging the blade around aimlessly and desperately while he was disoriented in his own right from Alex's kick - I could see that in my mind; it was very well done!

  Keep it coming, Punx!

Very nice, Punx!

  I thought the idea where Alex kept the beast at bay but still allowed its strength to manifest was an interesting idea. It's almost like they're finally becoming one. However, the beast is still fighting for control. The description of the action was terrific, and easy t follow! Well done!
 
  Correct me if I'm wrong, but Alex moved to this city after the run-in with his Dad at his old apartment, right? If that's the case, it seems a little coincidental - perhaps even convenient - that he fished within range of Crowell's building. Even so, you could still use it as a coincidence if you wanted to.

  It will be interesting to see what Alex does with Jason now.

  Keep it coming when you can, Punx!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-06-05 03:12:12)

Wha...? AHHH NOOOO!!!! where's the rest of the story *searches frantically* This story is INCREDIBLE!!! this is better than any published book i've ever read. Need... more... story... I can't wait for the end!

lol you know me from ww and the other one. I just read it and couldn't go without posting. I'm still looking for a punxnotdead t-shirt xD

Grayle wrote:

Hey Punx -

I shot you an email with a storm or two from my brain, but I can't make any promises that they'll help. I'll keep trying and email you with anything else I can come up with.

Thank you very much, Grayle. I will definately include you in my thanks in the novel, or perhaps more if possible. I read through your ideas and they're excellent. Much better than I have thought of. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

And LycanSoul *Blushes* Thank you!

LycanSoul wrote:

Is the story every gonna finish? *wields giant stuffed purple monkey* finish the story or else! please?

Haha! Don't worry. I'll have some more up in a few days. I was just stuck at a writer's block, but with some very, very great help from Grayle, I can finally manage to spit out some more.
But It may not be tonight because I have to study for a chemistry exam (stoichiometry) and go to a four hour Wal-Mart employee introduction. At least I get paid for it
And I get a free paid hotel when doing my training, and I also get paid for training.
I can smell the green already

Okie, so I just finished writing some more, finally. Sorry if it sounds a bit inconsistent or rough, I'm kindda tired, as it's 1 Am, but I refused to sleep until I got it out.

*Been edited...

LycanSoul wrote:

finally!!! that was incredible! very very descriptive... ok from now on no eating or sleeping until you're done

*Bows* Thank you, Thank you

Wolfie says it all. Stupendous way to return, Punx! Very well done!

Similar to things I've said before, your descriptive talents are rivaled by no one I can possibly think of. Not only that, but how you wrote Alex's internal musings while he looked at the impossible task before him is very easy for the reader to understand and relate.

Well Done, and welcome back!!

*Been edited...