Very intense segment, Punx! You've instilled tension, desperation, survival, suspense, and even an objective with a goal in one very packed sequence - and your descriptive talents never cease to amaze me, even in the slightest!

  I loved the part with the dog's ears, and the imminent alarm from its jowls - that was inspired, in my opinion. The only thing I might suggest (and this is only a suggestion) is if, instead of poking his head out, Alex peers around the corner of the building with one eye, as wolves are known to do around the trunk of a tree.

  Other than that, I don't see any way you could possibly improve this. It's terrific!

  Way to go, Punx!

Very very nice, Punx. I really appreciated how Alex consciously chose mercy instead of death for his opponent. It really strengthens his nobility and character. I thought that was a great choice!

  The sequence was easy to follow and filled with great details, from Alex fighting against the pain in his chest to his analysis of the soldier from behind as he assessed the best attack, to the soldier's trepidation as he poked Alex's body. Very nice, Punx.

  I suppose you might be able to add something about Alex approaching the soldier by stepping in the footprints that were already there, so that the soldier wouldn't hear his approach, but it's really unnecessary. What you have here is terrific, and well-described.

  Great job! Well worth any wait you may have needed to invest! Very well done!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-04-22 12:00:24)

Wonderful rendition, Punx! I loved the labouring TF sequence, turning out to be more painful and slow due to the silver's presence. Very nice!
  The details of the weather and its affect on the city's citizens was well done, and added life when there was no life around, if that makes sense. I liked it.
  And now it seems that any means of sanctuary for Alex has been once again taken from him.
 
  That's one of the things I really admire (and even envy) about your writing, Punx - you're not afraid to hurt your protagonist, and/or take anything away from him. It makes Alex an underdog (no pun intended) that the audience is willing to root for and follow, if for no other reason than to see how he'll get out of this situation. That's a gifted ability, and you use it very well.

  It's going to be interesting to see if he finds other werewolves who escaped, or if he gets caught with the others, or if he concocts a way to resolve the entire situation. I can hardly wait! I'm totally riveted!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-04-29 11:24:35)

Sorry about the length here.

  That was a neat little twist: Alex didn't find the others first, but Olivia found evidence of him first. I wasn't expecting that, but it makes a lot of sense that the more experienced werewolf would naturally find evidence of the less experienced werewolf, not the other way around.
  It also makes a lot of sense that they'd have a fallback location in case things went awry. Nice touch!
  As always, your use of descriptive talents are astounding. The scents and sounds become that much more real, and add lively quality to the scene.
  I also appreciated how you explained Olivia's examination of the situation, with her finding the tied-up shepherd, the fallen soldier, and the blood trail from Alex - including her refraining from obsessing over finding Alex in preference of getting to the meeting place. 
  Okay, so Lottamay was gunned down; but she's a vampire, so that doesn't mean much, right? And the soldiers weren't prepared to take on a vampire as well as werewolves anyway, right? So, she's not really dead but possibly immobilized, right? I mean, she couldn't be dead, right? Right?
 

  I may have found a couple of technical anomalies, I think. I'm guessing that these happened during a session of hasty writing, as is known to happen, so you've probably already caught and addressed these. Time for that grain of salt to make another appearance, if you take my meaning. Anyway, here's what I think I found:

  Not to be presumptuous or anything, but in the third paragraph, were you meaning to use the word 'seized' instead of 'ceased'? I'm not entirely sure, but with the way the sentence is configured, 'seized' kind of make a little more sense, but I could be wrong.
  In the 8th paragraph, you mention that Olivia approached the fallen soldier, and then a sentence or two later, you describe that "he was a soldier." You may want to either expand on that reiteration or simply remove it; but as it is, it kinda sounds a slight bit repetitive as it is. It's a little like the sentence in paragraph 10, where "Her eyes followed the footprints in the snow to the end of the park and followed it." Again, just a little repetitive is all.
  The last sentence in paragraph 11 indicates that the location "was dark enough that they could be seen by anyone." That's just a simple matter of missing a 'not', or an "n't" at the end of the "could". No biggie, but it might have slipped past your eyes unnoticed.

  This segment has a lot of wonderful visualizations and depictions, as well as thoughtful action. It's definitely a worthy addition to the story, and only fuels our burning desire to find out what happens next!
  Great Job, Punx!

nice, can't wait for more

Very nice job with the tension, Punx!

  I can't tell you enough how much I enjoy your story and its characters, Punx. Your descriptive talents are truly masterful, and the rest of the world should benefit from them as well as we here in the Cafe. As to your helping me with my story, you've truthfully encouraged me every step of the way - especially by reading it twice, and catching what slips past me. I really appreciate your assistance, Punx. Thank you.

  Personally, I didn't find any oddities in this segment at all, but it's kinda late for me too, so I'll definitely take another look in the morning for you.
 
  The sequence of events was very well told - where Alex yearns for his kin, he catches a faint waft of odour, loses it, and then gets attacked by an unknown assailant. The anticipation and mystery really capture interest well. The descriptive language you used when he was looking for the source or the scent also caught my eye. Very nice!

  Please, Keep it coming, Punx! I wanna know who hit my friend Alex!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-05-05 03:17:16)

Strikingly vivid action sequence, Punx!
  The sounds you described, from flesh on brick to the wind from a passing fist to the trembling building really helped to bring the scene to life. the visual descriptions were equally as impressive - especially the reactions each had to the other. Very nice!

  As to where to go from here, I suppose it depends on where the scene ends - who triumphs, who stops them, or who takes control. We'll have to see how you play this sequence out. However, did you want a happy ending, or a sad ending? Did you want death, or life? Did you want openings for sequels, or solid closure?

  And if you want to email me your preferences so that we don't talk about it on the forums, I'm all for that. I'll help any way I can.

This was kind of a painful sequence to read, because it looks like the only hopes for help have now labeled Alex a traitor and rejected him. It really makes the reader captivated, interested in how n earth he's going to get out of this circumstance and make things right.
Yet another great job, Punx.

Olivia's final comment about Alex not being worth it leads me to wonder what conclusions developed during the meeting between her, Gregory and Jason. Hmmmm...

There may be a few places that could use some re-phrasing to make the sentences flow a little smoother, but that can be addressed in proofreading when the first draft is completed.

Right now, it's much more important to see what Alex will do about the situation.

Last edited by Grayle (2008-05-11 13:52:58)

I read this one too. Just as good as the first time. I love the depth and complexity your give to your characters - not just the protagonist, but minor characters as well, like Shubert, Sherry and Jason. And I can's say enough about the wonderful descriptions of the environment that you use.

Oh - I just caught something. I think "Collar ID" might be intending to be read as "Caller ID". However, since it's a werewolf who's accepting a call from a man who has him on a leash, the irony of such a pun cannot be denied. In another time and place in the story, that would be hilarious!

Post more when you can, Punx, please!

Last edited by Grayle (2008-05-15 17:00:02)

How could I keep forgeting to post it here...Oh well.
Thanks, Grayle. I've learned so much about writing with your help. I seriously would not have been able to do it without you.

*Been edited...

Wow!
Sorry about the wait - difficult weekend.
  First off, I liked the quick scene with Crowell. It seems he's captured everyone except the one individual he's really after.
  The wonderful depictions as Alex looked for a place to rest were vivid and helped to set the desperation of the scene. I also liked how Alex was still interested in finding a way, not just to survive, but to make things right. He just doesn't have any ideas at this point. Very well-told, Punx.
  The dream sequence was very interesting - talk about facing your demons! The beast is obviously acting as an influential dark side, instead of simply a primal, animalistic nature. It makes me wonder how Alex is going to deal with it.
 
Very nice, Punx! Bring on more, okay?

Last edited by Grayle (2008-05-20 10:24:25)

I like how you show that Alex is still in control over the beast within, and also how he is still committed to his friendship with Steven. It makes Alex a lot more respectable when he ethically puts value in the right things.
  The possessive bum claiming his spot was also very realistic.
Nicely done, Punx!